When was the last time you really listened…?
That might seem like a silly question, it’s not often we think about the sense of hearing but if you8 are a person who can hear you use it every day… but are you listening?
We hear a lot of stuff all the time. We have so much background noise in our lives for so much of the time that when we go places like the outback, we get astounded by the true silence.
Some of that background noise is made up of hundreds of inane conversations we have every week, the majority of which we will never remember. They are the background noise of our social relationships.
But when a person feels like they have not been heard, that someone wasn’t truly listening, there is an instant discord and discontent. Often people say things like –
- You have one moth and two ears, use them in those proportions
- You only hear what you wanted to hear
- You were in your ‘already listening’ mode
Another thing people say is – you might have been listening but you didn’t really hear me.
I’d like to challenge that.
I don’t think there is a huge difference in how we receive information when it comes to listening and hearing. I like to think of is like this, ‘listen’ should be the thing we do, ‘heard’ should be how the speaker feels… heard and hopefully understood. I think the need to be understood is key.
Arguably, one of the most important times to truly, deeply, intensely listen is when someone is at the end of their life. Why? Several reasons, here is a list.
You should listen to people at end of life, because:
- you learn things and sometimes they are pearls;
- it brings comfort to a person when they feel heard;
- it may be the last time the person speaks;
- there are things that need to be communicated that sometimes cant be spoken;
- patience is a tool we need to exercise and resilience is a way to grow;
- there is wisdom to be found in both silence and the musings of those who leave the world before us; and because
- it swells our hearts and is most often worth the laughter it brings, or the tears.
Not every deathbed conversation is a tantalising confession, and enthralling story or an absolutely golden piece of wisdom. Sometimes the conversations are stilted, mundane and rather unremarkable. They can also be exactly what the person dying needs in the moment and by showing up to that, by listening and leaning into what matters to that person in that moment… well that is an absolute act of service.
So I’d like to share with you 5 tips on good listening. Because listening is hard, but it’s not that complicated.
- Hear a person out.
We don’t spend a whole lot of time concentrating on just what the other person is saying when we are communicating with others. A lot of out thinking comes from an upbringing that seems to teach us to spend the time the other person is talking only half listening and the other half preparing what we are going to say when it is our time to speak. This means that we can miss the messages behind the words.
- Listen with your senses
Sometimes, what people don’t say says as much as what they do say and part of truly listening to people is being present enough to maintain awareness of their facial expressions, body language, eye contact…. And also their use of pause, how easily are words coming to them, is it difficult for them to say? Can you feel their energy? Are they angry? Sad? Elated?
- Repeat what you hear
Sometimes, it really helps to seek clarification about what the other person is saying, to paraphrase and repeat it back to them. Tis shows your interested and also makes sure the other person feels heard. You can say things like, ‘It sounds like you are feeling…” or “so am I right in thinking….”
- Ask Questions (if appropriate)
Questions give people an opportunity to explain and explore the subject. They show you are interested. They allow for a deeper understanding and for a natural ebb and flow – threat lovely back and forth we get when we explore conversation with people.
- Sit with Silence
Silence is a powerful thing when you talk to people. It can be awkward. It can be a blessing. It can be a relief. It can allow people time to think. Absorb. Feel.
All of these tips are things you can pack into your social toolbox, you don’t need to use all of them all of the time but alone or used in combination they will allow people to be heard and also help you understand and respond appropriately. They will help you show up for people grieving, people dying and everyone in between.
So listen people. Really listen. Hear a person out, listen with your senses, and repeat what you hear, ask questions and sit with silence. If you can do these things, your listening will lead to learning and growing… and the people around you, no matter how long they are for this world, will benefit too. There are millions of things that go unspoken in this world, with a little care and attention you can catch a few and that can make the world of difference.
